Liberation Smells Like Fresh

So...please excuse the language but can I just say, "Can't worry bout what a nigga think cuz that's liberation, and baby I want iiittt!" Man I feel good today. I just had to take a quote from the lovely and talented Outkast on this one because I feel like rainbows in the sky and everlasting chocolate bars. Like blowing bubbles and swinging on tree limbs and riding bicycles down the street with my arms stretched open, with the breeze on my face and toes tingling. But I don't want to get hit by a truck though...nudge wink nudge hehe. Raise your hand if you got the reference!!! Anywhos, it is a great day. No, everything that happened today was not great, but overall I'm happy, and I think it has a lot to do with my new outlook on life. I'm not letting anything get to me today. Yes, I had to pay more monies to get my car "fixed"...smh...and yes, work was so busy that I wanted to slap everybody in the office, but hey I am glad to have a job.

I gave someone inspiration today for saying that. While my car was being "fixed" (in quotation because it's still not completely fixed but whatever) I took a shuttle van to work. Well, the van was more like a refrigerator. Like really who needs to have their window down and the air on in the freakin' morning? I don't car that your windows are kind of frosty. See through it!!... So, the driver asked what I did, and I told him. I'm basically an office assistant...ya know I'm capitalizing that cuz uh yeah it's a very involved job okay. So, I told him I was an Office Assistant :) and it wasn't what I went to school for, but I am glad to have the job. I also said I am trying to find more things to appreciate about it everyday, and he freakin' loved that answer. I don't know what he liked about it so much. Maybe just the gratefulness in my voice that somehow came through at 7:50 A.M. while I was irritated at riding in freezer truck slurping coffee to get my jolt of energy knowing I would have to catch up fast coming in late for work. But yeah he said he was going to try to have that outlook with his job too because he had plenty to be thankful for. :D YEY! It made me feel all warm inside just like the coffee in my cup. Like butterflies in the summertime, like water in a jacuzzi and fresh cookies!!

Back to the not caring about what people think. Totally can't do it, and I advise everyone to be the same way. Revolt! Take action against the man! Or wear mismatched socks one day with shorts on. It'll be awesome. Be free!!Or at least don't trap yourself because others around you will try to do it for you. Live outside of the realm, man and love it. Or I guess you could not care about what I say and still be caged in and suckered and held captive by other people's thoughts half of which you make up, but that seems pretty wack to me. I'm going on a freedom binge!!!

P.S. 35 days what what??!!!!!!! Boom shackalacka shackalacka shakalacka shackaBOOM!!!

SmAcK yOu In ThE fAcE rAnDoM

So…I’m feeling freakin' amazing, like I’m the awesomest, like I’m achieving something really good and cool, and great, and all super junkied and everything right…until I stopped feeling like that. There’s nothing like a “smack you in the face random” bad time that makes you crave a nice little smoke break. An escape from everything and everyone smoke break. I used to think that drinking (alcoholic beverages) would be my hardest obstacle, and yes it is still definitely the trickiest one, but unexpected occurrences are so much more difficult. Occurrences such as having to pay $800 to get your car fixed one day knowing that you'll have to go back to the shop two more times to get the rest of your car fixed. Oh yeah, that's super fun!! You know what's even better than that? Seeing someone else smoking my beloveds at the car shop while my car is being worked on and I'm missing out on a much needed pay check. Oh mercy!!! Just as I was dreaming of tackling the smoking man I received a call from my mama...much needed comfort. Then my baby called, yey, even more much needed comfort. They were reassurring me that everything would be okay (they know how pessimistic I can be). 

But this is just something else that is helping me to work on this "keeping it positive thing, so I thought of a way to spin it. Just in case any of you are struggling or know someone who is struggling with the good ole cigarettes here are a few things you can tell them or say to yourself to try to help quit. Now I had some of these written down for the other ten billiondy times I tried to stop smoking, but um yeah they work eventually.  :)

Smoking:

1.) puts uneeded stress on my heart to continue the flow of contaminated blood through my body

2.) turns my finger nails yellow and makes my hands smelly (mmm mmm good)...

3.) causes stains of brownish tar and gum decay in my mouth, not to mention halotosis to the 5th degree

4.) puts a kibllion additives, toxins, ingredients that even roaches wouldn't come in contact with for fear of death into my body

5.) makes me spend around $300 a year that I could be spending on other things like: food!!, my future, vacations, liquor...hehe jk again, but yeah things like previously stated...

6.) allows companies to get rich while I remain struggling and, uh I don't think so!!

So, pretty soon I'll be risk free of even thinking about smoking, but until then I'm going to keep this little list with me and add on as I go. I know there's a lot more negative things about cigarettes that I can think of to positively influence others to quit. Yey, progress!! Speaking of which can we all say together 28 days...28 DAYS!!!!!!!!!! I am almost at a full month of this. Think I can pat myself on the back now. "Pat pat," and might I add a Woot Woot!!! Can I also just add one more thing that I am super proud of?...Hey this is boast on me day. I celebrated my one year anniversary with my baby boo yesterday!!! And yes, that is a big accomplishment for me...well for both of us really. Just thought I'd share! 

By the way, cigarettes really do scare roaches.

Not Nike, but close.

So....I received a message in my inbox about people having goals versus having systems. (I signed up for one of those "how to get rich" things. Yeah so what. It probably won't help, but it was free. High five for free). Really, when I first read it I was inspired. In my enthusiastic surfer voice I said, "Yeah, I'm gonna get a system goin n get my life together, n make things happen, n do all this kul stuff that I actually wanna do n it's gonna be great!" But after today something is telling me that I have many more things to weigh before I can just start on a system. Forget goals because I never liked to make them. I would either change my mind about what I wanted my final goal to be or never accomplish them anyway. Doesn't really work. So, instead I want to have a "get through it the best way I know how plan," and the "it" I'm referring to is life. Let's say it again LIFE. And mine compared to others is pretty awesome right now, but I'm not living other's lives, so I can only think about my own. (No judging okay. I still think about the starving and homeless people too, but really I have to get myself together before I can save the world).

Anyways. Plans for myself:
1.) Stop smoking cigarettes-pretty much accomplished although days like today really makes day 21 feel like day 5...DUDE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S DAY 21????!!!!
2.) Save up money- totally working on it, but with a car that needs to go to the shop every other month it's a little more than rough
3.) Work on my short film-so I am a slacker...a big one. I wish I had an excuse for not pursuing this dream more fervently, but I really don't. I'll work on one during the rest of this blog and get back to you.
4.) Find things to be grateful about- so I'm really referring to my job in this one because I could name you a billion things that I am grateful for right now, but man, this job is testing me. I am grateful to even have a job and blah blah but I am so bored at work. I had a mini meltdown today screaming "Whyyyyyyy ooohhh whyyyyhiiihiiiiwhyyyyy???!!" at my desk because I didn't want to be there at all....so, I didn't really scream, but I was close. I wasn't quiet at all though let me tell you. I couldn't keep my frustration in for anything.

What I really need help with right now to be able to accomplish the "get through it the best way I know how plan" is knowing HOW TO STAY POSITIVE WHEN NEGATIVITY SURROUNDS YOU?? I look out my window and see poverty stricken people, my people having a hard ass time (hard ass life really), I see people with dreams wasted, our country is in a recession, bills are due, rent is past due, my baby's loans are due, my car might implode if I push it from 45 to 65 tomorrow on the expressway. No joke, Memphis makes me sad sometimes just by seeing all of the lost greatness that this city has to offer. There's so much potential here that people don't take advantage of...well actually some people do, but they are the rich ones who use what's left of the city to get richer and leave the rest of the people with scraps. Man, it's just driving me a little crazy to see all of these things and still try to make it in the world and be somebody. Whatever being somebody even means!!!

In conclusion,  operation "Just do it" commences today. I'm just going to do whatever needs to be done to accomplish my goal/system/plan, which is now and will be until I decide to change it to "work towards my dreams while trying to stay happy, not worrying about pleasing others, not getting caught up in ruts but using these so called ruts to my advantage and turning them into a stepping stone, and not worrying about THE MAN trying to crush me because I'm skating under him/them or cutting through. Beep beep. Make way!" So, it's a little long but I think it'll work. I hope Nike doesn't try to get me for copyright infringement. 

The Ultimate Test...(s)

So...my strength has been measured. My will power has been sized up. There I stood between the beginning and end of my journey. Right in the middle of the tough road and the easy way. There the path of health was staring me in my face as I reached for the finger tip of doom!! I started the Holiday weekend without a care in my body. No, I wasn't worried that it would drag me into the dark side. I didn't even begin to think that the Labor Day Frenzy would have any effect on my stature whatsoever. I was only thinking about the 3 day weekend. What?! What?! And thank you, God, for the 3 days because they were marvelous no matter how daunting and troubling they seemed to become near the end.

Things I did this weekend that I am not proud of:
1.) I made my baby really mad at me
2.) I asked someone to smoke one of their cigarettes
3.) I almost ate a piece of chicken and shrimp

So, number 1 may seem a little random and number 3 even randomer (yes I can say this word because it's my blog), but just hear me out. I'm starting a new thing. A new vegetarian thing except I eat fish because I need protein and it's delicious. This really doesn't seem like the best time to start this venture seeing as how I love meat. I love cheeseburgers, I love steak, and most of all I looove bacon!! And now that I'm giving up my beloved smoking turning down one of my other desires is a bit disastrous, but so far so good...kinda. At least I haven't strangled anybody yet. Still very hard to give up so many things you love at once.

1.) I can be a little bit of a jerk sometimes (no judging), and instead of apologizing when I am jerk-like I tend to continue to be a jerk and ask for forgiveness when I'm done. And maybe taking a walk down the neighborhood street doesn't seem like a jerkhole thing to do, but when you add a neighborhood that you don't know too well that's kinda ify and the fact that I'm 5'1" (but legally 5'2" because that's what my license says) the story changes a little bit. This just happens to be exactly what I did to infuriate my loved one because they were worried about me and had asked me not to go and blah blah and all that good stuff. But, during the time we had already been into it and I thought it best to do what I wanted to do because I wanted to. Simple as that. So, needless to say it didn't go well when I got back to the house.

2.) I got back to the house after being accosted by some crazy person on the street aka my baby and it didn't really sit well with my aggravated mode. Then like a Devil-sent miracle a man appeared on my porch and what did he have in his hand but a lovely, steaming, gold mind!! A Pall Mall menthol!! Yes, please! It was like the angels felt my struggle and knew exactly what I needed at the time. And, as I reached out to accept the gift a thought crossed my mind. My baby had gone into the house and I was outside about to indulge in life's greatest pleasure when something told me to go inside. Something said not to take a cigarette from this generous man (who was actually my friend and not a stranger because that would have been weird). And you know what?...I listened. I don't know why I listened, but I did, and I went inside...Saved by the voice.

3.) Somebody throw me a fried chicken wing. It has to be fried!! Tell me why I decide to go veggie when all of the great eating holidays are coming up. Labor Day kicks it off with the cookouts, man. Then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, and oh the horror of not engulfing all of my yum yums!! It makes me sick just to think about not enjoying all of the wonderful foods. To start off my Holidays of Veggieness one of my friends had a "Fry Day." No, not your typical Bar-B-Que on Labor Day, but still a cool way to celebrate right?...WRONG!! I could enjoy all of the fried twinkies, and fried oreos, and fried broccoli I wanted, but what about the chicken??!! What about the shrimp??!! Please just one morsel. Just one little smidgen of crust from the crustaceans, please!!! All, that I could think about while I ate the fried pickles and the french fries. Can you imagine not being allowed to eat something you crave so much not because you're allergic and it might kill you or because you're fasting, so you don't get smitten. No, just because you made a promise to yourself and your babycakes that you wouldn't. "For our own health and cleansing purposes!"...oh yeah.

I'd just like to say thank you for the support. My friends and family keep me going in this journey of self-love and self-improvement. They really believe in me and make me believe in myself. I thank all of them wholeheartedly for that. It means so much to me, and it would mean so much more if one of them would bring me a junior bacon cheeseburger from Wendy's tonight around 11:30. I'll stay up!...I'll give you 5 bucks...6 bucks if it comes with a frosty.

Day 8

So...I had every intention of typing my thoughts down yesterday because I was going to say this whole thing about how 7 days sounds sooo much better than 1 week and get people to agree with me to make myself feel better and all that good stuff, but I couldn't. Let's just say yesterday was a crazy little Wednesday, and we don't need to go through any of that again. On to today! YEEEY! I'm on my 8th day of not smoking cigarettes and man do I really want one...actually I'd take 7 with an extra one on the side to make up for all of the days I missed. I can't believe I've made it passed the 1st week, but I still feel the tension whenever I see someone else smoking. "Oh if I could just have a little puff," I say inside my head, "It'll be the last puff," as I tap my finger nails on the steering wheel, "Really, just one little pull and I'll never even think about it again."

Now, of course all of you know that as soon as my lips encircle the butt of any cigarette I'd go back to being a cigarette smoking fiend! I know this too, but that doesn't keep me from dreaming does it? That doesn't keep my lips from trembling anxiously at the slightest hint of smoke in the air does it? It doesn't keep my mind, my body, and my soul from craving...no desiring the long lost friend that I used to hold so near and dear to my heart now DOES IT?!! NO...unfortunately, it does not. Please excuse my yelling with the all caps and such, but as I'm shaking my head right now at the memories of smoke breaks please just know that it's been hard. This junk is hard people. But, I think I'll make it through. I think I have to this time because if I don't now the next time I try to quit may be too late for me. I may sound a little dramatic (and so what if I am?), but this pollutant is no joke.

Please be advised that smoking cigarettes increases the chances of:
1.) coronary heart disease by 2 to 4 times
2.) stroke by 2 to 4 times
3.) men developing lung cancer by 23 times
4.) women developing lung cancer by 13 times
5.) dying from chronic obstructive lung diseases (such as chronic bronchitis and emphysema) by 12 to 13 times.

So, yeah I can be as dramatic as I want to be! I'M QUITIN'!! I don't want to be like that dude in the commercial singing through that little peep hole in his throat man. I can't take it. I already can't stand when people stare at me! Hugh! I have no more to say on the subject besides HA! Smoking increases the chance of lung cancer 10 times more in men than women...suckers!