So...does anyone know if "have" should be capitalized in this title?...Hello my friends!! Man It's been a minute, but I'm back. I haven't been an absentee for no reason though. I have been working, and not just the regular "pay my bills working"...yuck...I mean the awesome "career reaching working." Yes, indeed! I have been trying to get my short film rolling, and really it is going well so far. I'm collaborating with new and old resources. I don't know why it was so hard to remember so many people that I have available that are willing to help me. Hello, I went to school with them!! And also others that I didn't go to school with who just love me to pieces and want to sacrifice their time to be a part of my cast and/or crew for free. Emphasis on the free 'cause uh yeah totally some pro bono work going on here. And I cannot express how grateful I am for all of them. Maybe I will buy them some gummy bears or something ;) but anyways my point is THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING MAN!!! I was such a super slacker the first time I "tried" to make the film with a classmate of mine. I wanted it all to fall in place by itself, but it so does not and will not ever happen like that.
It's cool that I was reminded of this truth on my vacation this past weekend, which is also something I've been doing a lot of. Traveling!!! So fun and yet so freaggin' exhausting. In the past couple of months I've been to HOTLANTA!!, Sevierville (aka a little mountainous town in TN that is full of fun looking adventures), my hometown of Clarksvegas wooooot! I don't know how it got this nickname because there's nothing Vegasy about it, but hey it's cool. And finally Detroit/Inkster, MI visiting my baby's family. The blackslash doesn't signify that these two cities are interchangeable; it just shows laziness on my part. Anyway, this is where I got the reminder of "Do yo job, girl," and I wasn't expecting it at all. At church (yes, I attend church sometimes) the pastor preached about learning to fight, and taking charge of your life, and receiving what's yours, no actually grasping what's yours and all this awesome enthusiastic stuff, and by the end of the sermon I was like "Yeah, man, yeah!! I'm going to get what's mine! I'm going to work for it, so I'll feel extra awesome knowing I deserve every bit of it too. Yeah, man!!" Dude, I was excited. It felt good to have another push because my nature is to be so stationary and wishful. It just doesn't flow into productivity. But I know I'm blessed with talent, and I have to let others know and put myself out there to be the success that I want to be. ONWARD HO!!
P.S. Don't take that "ho" offensively.
P.P.S. 110 days without a puff. I'm freakin' awesome man. I feel good, my face has cleared up, I can breathe, and I didn't gain 40 pounds. I'd say I'm doin' alright for myself.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Nope
So...I don't really have a blog today just a word of advice, and I hope everyone who reads this appreciates it and passes it on. It'll be useful in every way.
My advice: Do it while you can because waiting until you feel like it may be too late, it will probably not happen, and you will be sad. I say this because there have been so many chances for me to do other things, better things, awesome things in my life that I haven't taken, and I really have regretted them. Talking to someone random or a familiar face who I think might remember me, but I'm not really sure, so I don't speak them ya know? It's crazy to me how many connections I could have made in the past and how many connections I have made but haven't actually stayed connected with. I blame myself.
It's like this: My sister's car broke down today. (Big surprise because just like myself she has just spent a lot...a lot of money getting it fixed). She asked to use my car to go to a football game that she promised she would attend. Of course being a teacher gives her more of a push to go to a football game even when your car is broken down. So, I let her use my car. But the thing is, she missed the game last week, for whatever reason, and I bet you that's why she was so willing and determined to go this time. Really I think if she had gone last week, this week wouldn't have been a big deal, but she didn't so it was. **She could have gone last week, but she didn't.**
Another thing: There are so many times (and I say "so many times" literally and I really don't know why I haven't learned my lesson yet, but w.e.) when I have the time and the energy to do something whether it be: type up one of my poems, type up some story lines, read a book to enhance my brain cells and imagination, paint a picture, draw, get extra work done at my job (booooo!), clean up something, etc blah blah the list goes on and on right? But the thing is that I don't usually do it. It has to be a randomly strange day for me to actually want to type up something for myself and yes, maybe it has to do with the fact that I type almost all day long at my job, but really I should want to type up my stories or whatever it is because it's for me...........IT'S FOR ME!!!!!!! So, why don't I do it??!!! Can we all say it together: PROCRASTINATION! It's definitely a killer. Sometimes I think it's more than that though. You have to look at why one procrastinates. I'd like to thank my friends Taco and Dawn for commenting on the last blog because they gave me more insight on the subject. I love them greatly for it, and have since been on a rampage inside my brain to try to keep myself from procrastinating. It's a bit difficult, but I think I'm at that crazy breaking point where I can do it, man!!
So, I blogged today. Even though I was going to blog Monday**, then I was going to blog Tuesday**, and Wednesday was crazy, so I didn't blog**...catch my drift?! I could have done it all of those days, but I didn't. Finally, I did, so I am proud of myself! I said I didn't even have a blog...psssshhhhh, shows you how much I know about me! I am continuing on the "Just do it" and the "Do it while you can" and the "Make things positive" and all that good stuff because it's helpful for me. I have to stay on this path of getting things done. First step of contacting people about getting a short film made is accomplished (sort of random, but whatever you'll be "in the know" soon), so now I just have to follow through with the staying connected part!!...wish me luck!!
By the way: I was on Beale Street a few nights back, and I was having the worse case of the shakeys, man. I really thought I was going to lose it and reach for a puff while my baby wasn't watching. I met up with a random acquaintance down there who just happened to be smoking and of course I just happened to be drinking, so it wasn't good at all. He suggested clasping my hands together and stretching my fingers out, but after I tried it and realized it was the dumbest idea ever because it didn't work I stopped doing it...the wackness. I was ready to kill someone that night, but I sustained. I thought of my health. I thought of the disappointed people and how they would feel after going so long without smoking and it really carried me through. I even thought about how disappointed I would feel. I was glad the next morning when I could breathe and didn't have a sore throat, muahahahahahahaaaa 50 mother freakin days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding? I'm sorry, but I think I am the shiiiiznit right now. Woot! and another Woot! to that!!!!
My advice: Do it while you can because waiting until you feel like it may be too late, it will probably not happen, and you will be sad. I say this because there have been so many chances for me to do other things, better things, awesome things in my life that I haven't taken, and I really have regretted them. Talking to someone random or a familiar face who I think might remember me, but I'm not really sure, so I don't speak them ya know? It's crazy to me how many connections I could have made in the past and how many connections I have made but haven't actually stayed connected with. I blame myself.
It's like this: My sister's car broke down today. (Big surprise because just like myself she has just spent a lot...a lot of money getting it fixed). She asked to use my car to go to a football game that she promised she would attend. Of course being a teacher gives her more of a push to go to a football game even when your car is broken down. So, I let her use my car. But the thing is, she missed the game last week, for whatever reason, and I bet you that's why she was so willing and determined to go this time. Really I think if she had gone last week, this week wouldn't have been a big deal, but she didn't so it was. **She could have gone last week, but she didn't.**
Another thing: There are so many times (and I say "so many times" literally and I really don't know why I haven't learned my lesson yet, but w.e.) when I have the time and the energy to do something whether it be: type up one of my poems, type up some story lines, read a book to enhance my brain cells and imagination, paint a picture, draw, get extra work done at my job (booooo!), clean up something, etc blah blah the list goes on and on right? But the thing is that I don't usually do it. It has to be a randomly strange day for me to actually want to type up something for myself and yes, maybe it has to do with the fact that I type almost all day long at my job, but really I should want to type up my stories or whatever it is because it's for me...........IT'S FOR ME!!!!!!! So, why don't I do it??!!! Can we all say it together: PROCRASTINATION! It's definitely a killer. Sometimes I think it's more than that though. You have to look at why one procrastinates. I'd like to thank my friends Taco and Dawn for commenting on the last blog because they gave me more insight on the subject. I love them greatly for it, and have since been on a rampage inside my brain to try to keep myself from procrastinating. It's a bit difficult, but I think I'm at that crazy breaking point where I can do it, man!!
So, I blogged today. Even though I was going to blog Monday**, then I was going to blog Tuesday**, and Wednesday was crazy, so I didn't blog**...catch my drift?! I could have done it all of those days, but I didn't. Finally, I did, so I am proud of myself! I said I didn't even have a blog...psssshhhhh, shows you how much I know about me! I am continuing on the "Just do it" and the "Do it while you can" and the "Make things positive" and all that good stuff because it's helpful for me. I have to stay on this path of getting things done. First step of contacting people about getting a short film made is accomplished (sort of random, but whatever you'll be "in the know" soon), so now I just have to follow through with the staying connected part!!...wish me luck!!
By the way: I was on Beale Street a few nights back, and I was having the worse case of the shakeys, man. I really thought I was going to lose it and reach for a puff while my baby wasn't watching. I met up with a random acquaintance down there who just happened to be smoking and of course I just happened to be drinking, so it wasn't good at all. He suggested clasping my hands together and stretching my fingers out, but after I tried it and realized it was the dumbest idea ever because it didn't work I stopped doing it...the wackness. I was ready to kill someone that night, but I sustained. I thought of my health. I thought of the disappointed people and how they would feel after going so long without smoking and it really carried me through. I even thought about how disappointed I would feel. I was glad the next morning when I could breathe and didn't have a sore throat, muahahahahahahaaaa 50 mother freakin days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding? I'm sorry, but I think I am the shiiiiznit right now. Woot! and another Woot! to that!!!!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Dream On
So....I had a dream last night, and it did not fit just like a glove because it had me steaming like a cyclist on Southern in the middle of a heat wave. I hate those dreams where it seems so real that you still feel the same way you did in your dream when you finally wake up.
The Dream: It's quiet. I'm alone in my room when suddenly I become overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I realize I have to go back to school. "What? But I've already graduated." It didn't matter. Off I was rushing to get my books together. I scrambled for my pens for my papers, for my old binders. "I know they're around here somewhere." Running, stopping, racing, dropping all of my things. I wanted to scream. "What the hell is going on?? I've graduated. I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back!" I was pleading to no one and reaching out for excuses, but I couldn't find any. "I have to find my French books, but I'm not taking French anymore...I forgot all of the French I learned! What the hell am I going to do??!!" Grabbing markers, "Who needs markers in college?" I tried to find paper, but every piece I found was wrinkled and torn, old and worn, and, "Crap, crap crap I'm going to be late. I can't be late on my first day back. But I don't even want to go. Pleeeaaaase don't make me go back!"
The Wake Up: The hell? Was I dreaming about hell? My own personal torment like the other 16 years in reality weren't enough? Yeah, ok, school is great. You learn there, and you make new friends, and you grow and all that jazzy cool stuff, but I DON'T WANT IT!!! I was left with this dripply draining feeling all day. Drip drip was the sound of my "Make today a great day" thoughts. Drip was the sound of my happiness on the thoughts of my dream and what it signified to me.
The Signification: Ambition...or lack there of. Why don't I have it and why haven't I ever had it? So, people may think that since I went through school making good grades and went on to graduate from college that I have ambition right?...Nope. Not always. There's a difference between doing something because you're driven and doing something out of obligation. And, no college of course was not forced, but what else was I going to do? Join the military? Hecks no. Too lazy and too against The Man to have patriotism. Get a job? Hecks no. Did you read the lazy part? So, I went with the easiest choice. Yey, college!!! Trust me when I say that I'm glad that I went, but it still drives me nuts that I question the "why" and "what now" afterwards. So, yes, my future has been on my mind...a lot lately, which it should be because...really just because it's coming...fast...and I think this is why I had this dream. I don't want to go back to school, and I already knew that, but what do I want to do? It's like my brain tried to weigh out an option for me, so maybe tonight I'll be in Office Space hell bashing my head against a stapler. I just hope it leaves me with less anguish than this dream did.
Positivity: Man, this is a tough one...um..."Do yo job girl!" Maybe I can look at it as the final "I gotta get myself together." Like really it's past time to start planning and building for the future that I want, so I cant say that I'm really going to work on my stuff and after 5 minutes I go back to the master procrastinator that I am. "The buck stops here!" Lol, how about that for a little patriotism.
...Where is my junkie strength when I need it?!
The Dream: It's quiet. I'm alone in my room when suddenly I become overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I realize I have to go back to school. "What? But I've already graduated." It didn't matter. Off I was rushing to get my books together. I scrambled for my pens for my papers, for my old binders. "I know they're around here somewhere." Running, stopping, racing, dropping all of my things. I wanted to scream. "What the hell is going on?? I've graduated. I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back!" I was pleading to no one and reaching out for excuses, but I couldn't find any. "I have to find my French books, but I'm not taking French anymore...I forgot all of the French I learned! What the hell am I going to do??!!" Grabbing markers, "Who needs markers in college?" I tried to find paper, but every piece I found was wrinkled and torn, old and worn, and, "Crap, crap crap I'm going to be late. I can't be late on my first day back. But I don't even want to go. Pleeeaaaase don't make me go back!"
The Wake Up: The hell? Was I dreaming about hell? My own personal torment like the other 16 years in reality weren't enough? Yeah, ok, school is great. You learn there, and you make new friends, and you grow and all that jazzy cool stuff, but I DON'T WANT IT!!! I was left with this dripply draining feeling all day. Drip drip was the sound of my "Make today a great day" thoughts. Drip was the sound of my happiness on the thoughts of my dream and what it signified to me.
The Signification: Ambition...or lack there of. Why don't I have it and why haven't I ever had it? So, people may think that since I went through school making good grades and went on to graduate from college that I have ambition right?...Nope. Not always. There's a difference between doing something because you're driven and doing something out of obligation. And, no college of course was not forced, but what else was I going to do? Join the military? Hecks no. Too lazy and too against The Man to have patriotism. Get a job? Hecks no. Did you read the lazy part? So, I went with the easiest choice. Yey, college!!! Trust me when I say that I'm glad that I went, but it still drives me nuts that I question the "why" and "what now" afterwards. So, yes, my future has been on my mind...a lot lately, which it should be because...really just because it's coming...fast...and I think this is why I had this dream. I don't want to go back to school, and I already knew that, but what do I want to do? It's like my brain tried to weigh out an option for me, so maybe tonight I'll be in Office Space hell bashing my head against a stapler. I just hope it leaves me with less anguish than this dream did.
Positivity: Man, this is a tough one...um..."Do yo job girl!" Maybe I can look at it as the final "I gotta get myself together." Like really it's past time to start planning and building for the future that I want, so I cant say that I'm really going to work on my stuff and after 5 minutes I go back to the master procrastinator that I am. "The buck stops here!" Lol, how about that for a little patriotism.
...Where is my junkie strength when I need it?!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Liberation Smells Like Fresh
So...please excuse the language but can I just say, "Can't worry bout what a nigga think cuz that's liberation, and baby I want iiittt!" Man I feel good today. I just had to take a quote from the lovely and talented Outkast on this one because I feel like rainbows in the sky and everlasting chocolate bars. Like blowing bubbles and swinging on tree limbs and riding bicycles down the street with my arms stretched open, with the breeze on my face and toes tingling. But I don't want to get hit by a truck though...nudge wink nudge hehe. Raise your hand if you got the reference!!! Anywhos, it is a great day. No, everything that happened today was not great, but overall I'm happy, and I think it has a lot to do with my new outlook on life. I'm not letting anything get to me today. Yes, I had to pay more monies to get my car "fixed"...smh...and yes, work was so busy that I wanted to slap everybody in the office, but hey I am glad to have a job.
I gave someone inspiration today for saying that. While my car was being "fixed" (in quotation because it's still not completely fixed but whatever) I took a shuttle van to work. Well, the van was more like a refrigerator. Like really who needs to have their window down and the air on in the freakin' morning? I don't car that your windows are kind of frosty. See through it!!... So, the driver asked what I did, and I told him. I'm basically an office assistant...ya know I'm capitalizing that cuz uh yeah it's a very involved job okay. So, I told him I was an Office Assistant :) and it wasn't what I went to school for, but I am glad to have the job. I also said I am trying to find more things to appreciate about it everyday, and he freakin' loved that answer. I don't know what he liked about it so much. Maybe just the gratefulness in my voice that somehow came through at 7:50 A.M. while I was irritated at riding in freezer truck slurping coffee to get my jolt of energy knowing I would have to catch up fast coming in late for work. But yeah he said he was going to try to have that outlook with his job too because he had plenty to be thankful for. :D YEY! It made me feel all warm inside just like the coffee in my cup. Like butterflies in the summertime, like water in a jacuzzi and fresh cookies!!
Back to the not caring about what people think. Totally can't do it, and I advise everyone to be the same way. Revolt! Take action against the man! Or wear mismatched socks one day with shorts on. It'll be awesome. Be free!!Or at least don't trap yourself because others around you will try to do it for you. Live outside of the realm, man and love it. Or I guess you could not care about what I say and still be caged in and suckered and held captive by other people's thoughts half of which you make up, but that seems pretty wack to me. I'm going on a freedom binge!!!
P.S. 35 days what what??!!!!!!! Boom shackalacka shackalacka shakalacka shackaBOOM!!!
I gave someone inspiration today for saying that. While my car was being "fixed" (in quotation because it's still not completely fixed but whatever) I took a shuttle van to work. Well, the van was more like a refrigerator. Like really who needs to have their window down and the air on in the freakin' morning? I don't car that your windows are kind of frosty. See through it!!... So, the driver asked what I did, and I told him. I'm basically an office assistant...ya know I'm capitalizing that cuz uh yeah it's a very involved job okay. So, I told him I was an Office Assistant :) and it wasn't what I went to school for, but I am glad to have the job. I also said I am trying to find more things to appreciate about it everyday, and he freakin' loved that answer. I don't know what he liked about it so much. Maybe just the gratefulness in my voice that somehow came through at 7:50 A.M. while I was irritated at riding in freezer truck slurping coffee to get my jolt of energy knowing I would have to catch up fast coming in late for work. But yeah he said he was going to try to have that outlook with his job too because he had plenty to be thankful for. :D YEY! It made me feel all warm inside just like the coffee in my cup. Like butterflies in the summertime, like water in a jacuzzi and fresh cookies!!
Back to the not caring about what people think. Totally can't do it, and I advise everyone to be the same way. Revolt! Take action against the man! Or wear mismatched socks one day with shorts on. It'll be awesome. Be free!!Or at least don't trap yourself because others around you will try to do it for you. Live outside of the realm, man and love it. Or I guess you could not care about what I say and still be caged in and suckered and held captive by other people's thoughts half of which you make up, but that seems pretty wack to me. I'm going on a freedom binge!!!
P.S. 35 days what what??!!!!!!! Boom shackalacka shackalacka shakalacka shackaBOOM!!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
SmAcK yOu In ThE fAcE rAnDoM
So…I’m feeling freakin' amazing, like I’m the awesomest, like I’m achieving something really good and cool, and great, and all super junkied and everything right…until I stopped feeling like that. There’s nothing like a “smack you in the face random” bad time that makes you crave a nice little smoke break. An escape from everything and everyone smoke break. I used to think that drinking (alcoholic beverages) would be my hardest obstacle, and yes it is still definitely the trickiest one, but unexpected occurrences are so much more difficult. Occurrences such as having to pay $800 to get your car fixed one day knowing that you'll have to go back to the shop two more times to get the rest of your car fixed. Oh yeah, that's super fun!! You know what's even better than that? Seeing someone else smoking my beloveds at the car shop while my car is being worked on and I'm missing out on a much needed pay check. Oh mercy!!! Just as I was dreaming of tackling the smoking man I received a call from my mama...much needed comfort. Then my baby called, yey, even more much needed comfort. They were reassurring me that everything would be okay (they know how pessimistic I can be).
But this is just something else that is helping me to work on this "keeping it positive thing, so I thought of a way to spin it. Just in case any of you are struggling or know someone who is struggling with the good ole cigarettes here are a few things you can tell them or say to yourself to try to help quit. Now I had some of these written down for the other ten billiondy times I tried to stop smoking, but um yeah they work eventually. :)
Smoking:
1.) puts uneeded stress on my heart to continue the flow of contaminated blood through my body
2.) turns my finger nails yellow and makes my hands smelly (mmm mmm good)...
3.) causes stains of brownish tar and gum decay in my mouth, not to mention halotosis to the 5th degree
4.) puts a kibllion additives, toxins, ingredients that even roaches wouldn't come in contact with for fear of death into my body
5.) makes me spend around $300 a year that I could be spending on other things like: food!!, my future, vacations, liquor...hehe jk again, but yeah things like previously stated...
6.) allows companies to get rich while I remain struggling and, uh I don't think so!!
So, pretty soon I'll be risk free of even thinking about smoking, but until then I'm going to keep this little list with me and add on as I go. I know there's a lot more negative things about cigarettes that I can think of to positively influence others to quit. Yey, progress!! Speaking of which can we all say together 28 days...28 DAYS!!!!!!!!!! I am almost at a full month of this. Think I can pat myself on the back now. "Pat pat," and might I add a Woot Woot!!! Can I also just add one more thing that I am super proud of?...Hey this is boast on me day. I celebrated my one year anniversary with my baby boo yesterday!!! And yes, that is a big accomplishment for me...well for both of us really. Just thought I'd share!
By the way, cigarettes really do scare roaches.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Not Nike, but close.
So....I received a message in my inbox about people having goals versus having systems. (I signed up for one of those "how to get rich" things. Yeah so what. It probably won't help, but it was free. High five for free). Really, when I first read it I was inspired. In my enthusiastic surfer voice I said, "Yeah, I'm gonna get a system goin n get my life together, n make things happen, n do all this kul stuff that I actually wanna do n it's gonna be great!" But after today something is telling me that I have many more things to weigh before I can just start on a system. Forget goals because I never liked to make them. I would either change my mind about what I wanted my final goal to be or never accomplish them anyway. Doesn't really work. So, instead I want to have a "get through it the best way I know how plan," and the "it" I'm referring to is life. Let's say it again LIFE. And mine compared to others is pretty awesome right now, but I'm not living other's lives, so I can only think about my own. (No judging okay. I still think about the starving and homeless people too, but really I have to get myself together before I can save the world).
Anyways. Plans for myself:
1.) Stop smoking cigarettes-pretty much accomplished although days like today really makes day 21 feel like day 5...DUDE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S DAY 21????!!!!
2.) Save up money- totally working on it, but with a car that needs to go to the shop every other month it's a little more than rough
3.) Work on my short film-so I am a slacker...a big one. I wish I had an excuse for not pursuing this dream more fervently, but I really don't. I'll work on one during the rest of this blog and get back to you.
4.) Find things to be grateful about- so I'm really referring to my job in this one because I could name you a billion things that I am grateful for right now, but man, this job is testing me. I am grateful to even have a job and blah blah but I am so bored at work. I had a mini meltdown today screaming "Whyyyyyyy ooohhh whyyyyhiiihiiiiwhyyyyy???!!" at my desk because I didn't want to be there at all....so, I didn't really scream, but I was close. I wasn't quiet at all though let me tell you. I couldn't keep my frustration in for anything.
What I really need help with right now to be able to accomplish the "get through it the best way I know how plan" is knowing HOW TO STAY POSITIVE WHEN NEGATIVITY SURROUNDS YOU?? I look out my window and see poverty stricken people, my people having a hard ass time (hard ass life really), I see people with dreams wasted, our country is in a recession, bills are due, rent is past due, my baby's loans are due, my car might implode if I push it from 45 to 65 tomorrow on the expressway. No joke, Memphis makes me sad sometimes just by seeing all of the lost greatness that this city has to offer. There's so much potential here that people don't take advantage of...well actually some people do, but they are the rich ones who use what's left of the city to get richer and leave the rest of the people with scraps. Man, it's just driving me a little crazy to see all of these things and still try to make it in the world and be somebody. Whatever being somebody even means!!!
In conclusion, operation "Just do it" commences today. I'm just going to do whatever needs to be done to accomplish my goal/system/plan, which is now and will be until I decide to change it to "work towards my dreams while trying to stay happy, not worrying about pleasing others, not getting caught up in ruts but using these so called ruts to my advantage and turning them into a stepping stone, and not worrying about THE MAN trying to crush me because I'm skating under him/them or cutting through. Beep beep. Make way!" So, it's a little long but I think it'll work. I hope Nike doesn't try to get me for copyright infringement.
Anyways. Plans for myself:
1.) Stop smoking cigarettes-pretty much accomplished although days like today really makes day 21 feel like day 5...DUDE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S DAY 21????!!!!
2.) Save up money- totally working on it, but with a car that needs to go to the shop every other month it's a little more than rough
3.) Work on my short film-so I am a slacker...a big one. I wish I had an excuse for not pursuing this dream more fervently, but I really don't. I'll work on one during the rest of this blog and get back to you.
4.) Find things to be grateful about- so I'm really referring to my job in this one because I could name you a billion things that I am grateful for right now, but man, this job is testing me. I am grateful to even have a job and blah blah but I am so bored at work. I had a mini meltdown today screaming "Whyyyyyyy ooohhh whyyyyhiiihiiiiwhyyyyy???!!" at my desk because I didn't want to be there at all....so, I didn't really scream, but I was close. I wasn't quiet at all though let me tell you. I couldn't keep my frustration in for anything.
What I really need help with right now to be able to accomplish the "get through it the best way I know how plan" is knowing HOW TO STAY POSITIVE WHEN NEGATIVITY SURROUNDS YOU?? I look out my window and see poverty stricken people, my people having a hard ass time (hard ass life really), I see people with dreams wasted, our country is in a recession, bills are due, rent is past due, my baby's loans are due, my car might implode if I push it from 45 to 65 tomorrow on the expressway. No joke, Memphis makes me sad sometimes just by seeing all of the lost greatness that this city has to offer. There's so much potential here that people don't take advantage of...well actually some people do, but they are the rich ones who use what's left of the city to get richer and leave the rest of the people with scraps. Man, it's just driving me a little crazy to see all of these things and still try to make it in the world and be somebody. Whatever being somebody even means!!!
In conclusion, operation "Just do it" commences today. I'm just going to do whatever needs to be done to accomplish my goal/system/plan, which is now and will be until I decide to change it to "work towards my dreams while trying to stay happy, not worrying about pleasing others, not getting caught up in ruts but using these so called ruts to my advantage and turning them into a stepping stone, and not worrying about THE MAN trying to crush me because I'm skating under him/them or cutting through. Beep beep. Make way!" So, it's a little long but I think it'll work. I hope Nike doesn't try to get me for copyright infringement.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The Ultimate Test...(s)
So...my strength has been measured. My will power has been sized up. There I stood between the beginning and end of my journey. Right in the middle of the tough road and the easy way. There the path of health was staring me in my face as I reached for the finger tip of doom!! I started the Holiday weekend without a care in my body. No, I wasn't worried that it would drag me into the dark side. I didn't even begin to think that the Labor Day Frenzy would have any effect on my stature whatsoever. I was only thinking about the 3 day weekend. What?! What?! And thank you, God, for the 3 days because they were marvelous no matter how daunting and troubling they seemed to become near the end.
Things I did this weekend that I am not proud of:
1.) I made my baby really mad at me
2.) I asked someone to smoke one of their cigarettes
3.) I almost ate a piece of chicken and shrimp
So, number 1 may seem a little random and number 3 even randomer (yes I can say this word because it's my blog), but just hear me out. I'm starting a new thing. A new vegetarian thing except I eat fish because I need protein and it's delicious. This really doesn't seem like the best time to start this venture seeing as how I love meat. I love cheeseburgers, I love steak, and most of all I looove bacon!! And now that I'm giving up my beloved smoking turning down one of my other desires is a bit disastrous, but so far so good...kinda. At least I haven't strangled anybody yet. Still very hard to give up so many things you love at once.
1.) I can be a little bit of a jerk sometimes (no judging), and instead of apologizing when I am jerk-like I tend to continue to be a jerk and ask for forgiveness when I'm done. And maybe taking a walk down the neighborhood street doesn't seem like a jerkhole thing to do, but when you add a neighborhood that you don't know too well that's kinda ify and the fact that I'm 5'1" (but legally 5'2" because that's what my license says) the story changes a little bit. This just happens to be exactly what I did to infuriate my loved one because they were worried about me and had asked me not to go and blah blah and all that good stuff. But, during the time we had already been into it and I thought it best to do what I wanted to do because I wanted to. Simple as that. So, needless to say it didn't go well when I got back to the house.
2.) I got back to the house after being accosted by some crazy person on the street aka my baby and it didn't really sit well with my aggravated mode. Then like a Devil-sent miracle a man appeared on my porch and what did he have in his hand but a lovely, steaming, gold mind!! A Pall Mall menthol!! Yes, please! It was like the angels felt my struggle and knew exactly what I needed at the time. And, as I reached out to accept the gift a thought crossed my mind. My baby had gone into the house and I was outside about to indulge in life's greatest pleasure when something told me to go inside. Something said not to take a cigarette from this generous man (who was actually my friend and not a stranger because that would have been weird). And you know what?...I listened. I don't know why I listened, but I did, and I went inside...Saved by the voice.
3.) Somebody throw me a fried chicken wing. It has to be fried!! Tell me why I decide to go veggie when all of the great eating holidays are coming up. Labor Day kicks it off with the cookouts, man. Then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, and oh the horror of not engulfing all of my yum yums!! It makes me sick just to think about not enjoying all of the wonderful foods. To start off my Holidays of Veggieness one of my friends had a "Fry Day." No, not your typical Bar-B-Que on Labor Day, but still a cool way to celebrate right?...WRONG!! I could enjoy all of the fried twinkies, and fried oreos, and fried broccoli I wanted, but what about the chicken??!! What about the shrimp??!! Please just one morsel. Just one little smidgen of crust from the crustaceans, please!!! All, that I could think about while I ate the fried pickles and the french fries. Can you imagine not being allowed to eat something you crave so much not because you're allergic and it might kill you or because you're fasting, so you don't get smitten. No, just because you made a promise to yourself and your babycakes that you wouldn't. "For our own health and cleansing purposes!"...oh yeah.
I'd just like to say thank you for the support. My friends and family keep me going in this journey of self-love and self-improvement. They really believe in me and make me believe in myself. I thank all of them wholeheartedly for that. It means so much to me, and it would mean so much more if one of them would bring me a junior bacon cheeseburger from Wendy's tonight around 11:30. I'll stay up!...I'll give you 5 bucks...6 bucks if it comes with a frosty.
Things I did this weekend that I am not proud of:
1.) I made my baby really mad at me
2.) I asked someone to smoke one of their cigarettes
3.) I almost ate a piece of chicken and shrimp
So, number 1 may seem a little random and number 3 even randomer (yes I can say this word because it's my blog), but just hear me out. I'm starting a new thing. A new vegetarian thing except I eat fish because I need protein and it's delicious. This really doesn't seem like the best time to start this venture seeing as how I love meat. I love cheeseburgers, I love steak, and most of all I looove bacon!! And now that I'm giving up my beloved smoking turning down one of my other desires is a bit disastrous, but so far so good...kinda. At least I haven't strangled anybody yet. Still very hard to give up so many things you love at once.
1.) I can be a little bit of a jerk sometimes (no judging), and instead of apologizing when I am jerk-like I tend to continue to be a jerk and ask for forgiveness when I'm done. And maybe taking a walk down the neighborhood street doesn't seem like a jerkhole thing to do, but when you add a neighborhood that you don't know too well that's kinda ify and the fact that I'm 5'1" (but legally 5'2" because that's what my license says) the story changes a little bit. This just happens to be exactly what I did to infuriate my loved one because they were worried about me and had asked me not to go and blah blah and all that good stuff. But, during the time we had already been into it and I thought it best to do what I wanted to do because I wanted to. Simple as that. So, needless to say it didn't go well when I got back to the house.
2.) I got back to the house after being accosted by some crazy person on the street aka my baby and it didn't really sit well with my aggravated mode. Then like a Devil-sent miracle a man appeared on my porch and what did he have in his hand but a lovely, steaming, gold mind!! A Pall Mall menthol!! Yes, please! It was like the angels felt my struggle and knew exactly what I needed at the time. And, as I reached out to accept the gift a thought crossed my mind. My baby had gone into the house and I was outside about to indulge in life's greatest pleasure when something told me to go inside. Something said not to take a cigarette from this generous man (who was actually my friend and not a stranger because that would have been weird). And you know what?...I listened. I don't know why I listened, but I did, and I went inside...Saved by the voice.
3.) Somebody throw me a fried chicken wing. It has to be fried!! Tell me why I decide to go veggie when all of the great eating holidays are coming up. Labor Day kicks it off with the cookouts, man. Then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, and oh the horror of not engulfing all of my yum yums!! It makes me sick just to think about not enjoying all of the wonderful foods. To start off my Holidays of Veggieness one of my friends had a "Fry Day." No, not your typical Bar-B-Que on Labor Day, but still a cool way to celebrate right?...WRONG!! I could enjoy all of the fried twinkies, and fried oreos, and fried broccoli I wanted, but what about the chicken??!! What about the shrimp??!! Please just one morsel. Just one little smidgen of crust from the crustaceans, please!!! All, that I could think about while I ate the fried pickles and the french fries. Can you imagine not being allowed to eat something you crave so much not because you're allergic and it might kill you or because you're fasting, so you don't get smitten. No, just because you made a promise to yourself and your babycakes that you wouldn't. "For our own health and cleansing purposes!"...oh yeah.
I'd just like to say thank you for the support. My friends and family keep me going in this journey of self-love and self-improvement. They really believe in me and make me believe in myself. I thank all of them wholeheartedly for that. It means so much to me, and it would mean so much more if one of them would bring me a junior bacon cheeseburger from Wendy's tonight around 11:30. I'll stay up!...I'll give you 5 bucks...6 bucks if it comes with a frosty.
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