Nope

So...I don't really have a blog today just a word of advice, and I hope everyone who reads this appreciates it and passes it on. It'll be useful in every way.

My advice: Do it while you can because waiting until you feel like it may be too late, it will probably not happen, and you will be sad. I say this because there have been so many chances for me to do other things, better things, awesome things in my life that I haven't taken, and I really have regretted them. Talking to someone random or a familiar face who I think might remember me, but I'm not really sure, so I don't speak them ya know? It's crazy to me how many connections I could have made in the past and how many connections I have made but haven't actually stayed connected with.  I blame myself.

It's like this: My sister's car broke down today. (Big surprise because just like myself she has just spent a lot...a lot of money getting it fixed). She asked to use my car to go to a football game that she promised she would attend. Of course being a teacher gives her more of a push to go to a football game even when your car is broken down. So, I let her use my car. But the thing is, she missed the game last week, for whatever reason, and I bet you that's why she was so willing and determined to go this time. Really I think if she had gone last week, this week wouldn't have been a big deal, but she didn't so it was. **She could have gone last week, but she didn't.**

Another thing: There are so many times (and I say "so many times" literally and I really don't know why I haven't learned my lesson yet, but w.e.) when I have the time and the energy to do something whether it be: type up one of my poems, type up some story lines, read a book to enhance my brain cells and imagination, paint a picture, draw, get extra work done at my job (booooo!), clean up something, etc blah blah the list goes on and on right? But the thing is that I don't usually do it. It has to be a randomly strange day for me to actually want to type up something for myself and yes, maybe it has to do with the fact that I type almost all day long at my job, but really I should want to type up my stories or whatever it is because it's for me...........IT'S FOR ME!!!!!!! So, why don't I do it??!!! Can we all say it together: PROCRASTINATION! It's definitely a killer. Sometimes I think it's more than that though. You have to look at why one procrastinates. I'd like to thank my friends Taco and Dawn for commenting on the last blog because they gave me more insight on the subject. I love them greatly for it, and have since been on a rampage inside my brain to try to keep myself from procrastinating. It's a bit difficult, but I think I'm at that crazy breaking point where I can do it, man!!

So, I blogged today. Even though I was going to blog Monday**, then I was going to blog Tuesday**, and Wednesday was crazy, so I didn't blog**...catch my drift?! I could have done it all of those days, but I didn't. Finally, I did, so I am proud of myself! I said I didn't even have a blog...psssshhhhh, shows you how much I know about me! I am continuing on the "Just do it" and the "Do it while you can" and the "Make things positive" and all that good stuff because it's helpful for me. I have to stay on this path of getting things done. First step of contacting people about getting a short film made is accomplished (sort of random, but whatever you'll be "in the know" soon), so now I just have to follow through with the staying connected part!!...wish me luck!!

By the way: I was on Beale Street a few nights back, and I was having the worse case of the shakeys, man. I really thought I was going to lose it and reach for a puff while my baby wasn't watching. I met up with a random acquaintance down there who just happened to be smoking and of course I just happened to be drinking, so it wasn't good at all. He suggested clasping my hands together and stretching my fingers out, but after I tried it and realized it was the dumbest idea ever because it didn't work I stopped doing it...the wackness. I was ready to kill someone that night, but I sustained. I thought of my health. I thought of the disappointed people and how they would feel after going so long without smoking and it really carried me through. I even thought about how disappointed I would feel. I was glad the next morning when I could breathe and didn't have a sore throat, muahahahahahahaaaa 50 mother freakin days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding? I'm sorry, but I think I am the shiiiiznit right now. Woot! and another Woot! to that!!!!

Dream On

So....I had a dream last night, and it did not fit just like a glove because it had me steaming like a cyclist on Southern in the middle of a heat wave. I hate those dreams where it seems so real that you still feel the same way you did in your dream when you finally wake up.

The Dream: It's quiet. I'm alone in my room when suddenly I become overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I realize I have to go back to school. "What? But I've already graduated." It didn't matter. Off I was rushing to get my books together. I scrambled for my pens for my papers, for my old binders. "I know they're around here somewhere." Running, stopping, racing, dropping all of my things. I wanted to scream. "What the hell is going on?? I've graduated. I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back!" I was pleading to no one and reaching out for excuses, but I couldn't find any. "I have to find my French books, but I'm not taking French anymore...I forgot all of the French I learned! What the hell am I going to do??!!" Grabbing markers, "Who needs markers in college?" I tried to find paper, but every piece I found was wrinkled and torn, old and worn, and, "Crap, crap crap I'm going to be late. I can't be late on my first day back. But I don't even want to go. Pleeeaaaase don't make me go back!"

The Wake Up: The hell? Was I dreaming about hell? My own personal torment like the other 16 years in reality weren't enough? Yeah, ok, school is great. You learn there, and you make new friends, and you grow and all that jazzy cool stuff, but I DON'T WANT IT!!! I was left with this dripply draining feeling all day. Drip drip was the sound of my "Make today a great day" thoughts. Drip was the sound of my happiness on the thoughts of my dream and what it signified to me.

The Signification: Ambition...or lack there of. Why don't I have it and why haven't I ever had it? So, people may think that since I went through school making good grades and went on to graduate from college that I have ambition right?...Nope. Not always. There's a difference between doing something because you're driven and doing something out of obligation. And, no college of course was not forced, but what else was I going to do? Join the military? Hecks no. Too lazy and too against The Man to have patriotism. Get a job? Hecks no. Did you read the lazy part? So, I went with the easiest choice. Yey, college!!! Trust me when I say that I'm glad that I went, but it still drives me nuts that I question the "why" and "what now" afterwards. So, yes, my future has been on my mind...a lot lately, which it should be because...really just because it's coming...fast...and I think this is why I had this dream. I don't want to go back to school, and I already knew that, but what do I want to do? It's like my brain tried to weigh out an option for me, so maybe tonight I'll be in Office Space hell bashing my head against a stapler. I just hope it leaves me with less anguish than this dream did.

Positivity: Man, this is a tough one...um..."Do yo job girl!" Maybe I can look at it as the final "I gotta get myself together." Like really it's past time to start planning and building for the future that I want, so I cant say that I'm really going to work on my stuff and after 5 minutes I go back to the master procrastinator that I am. "The buck stops here!" Lol, how about that for a little patriotism.

...Where is my junkie strength when I need it?!