So....I had a dream last night, and it did not fit just like a glove because it had me steaming like a cyclist on Southern in the middle of a heat wave. I hate those dreams where it seems so real that you still feel the same way you did in your dream when you finally wake up.
The Dream: It's quiet. I'm alone in my room when suddenly I become overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I realize I have to go back to school. "What? But I've already graduated." It didn't matter. Off I was rushing to get my books together. I scrambled for my pens for my papers, for my old binders. "I know they're around here somewhere." Running, stopping, racing, dropping all of my things. I wanted to scream. "What the hell is going on?? I've graduated. I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back!" I was pleading to no one and reaching out for excuses, but I couldn't find any. "I have to find my French books, but I'm not taking French anymore...I forgot all of the French I learned! What the hell am I going to do??!!" Grabbing markers, "Who needs markers in college?" I tried to find paper, but every piece I found was wrinkled and torn, old and worn, and, "Crap, crap crap I'm going to be late. I can't be late on my first day back. But I don't even want to go. Pleeeaaaase don't make me go back!"
The Wake Up: The hell? Was I dreaming about hell? My own personal torment like the other 16 years in reality weren't enough? Yeah, ok, school is great. You learn there, and you make new friends, and you grow and all that jazzy cool stuff, but I DON'T WANT IT!!! I was left with this dripply draining feeling all day. Drip drip was the sound of my "Make today a great day" thoughts. Drip was the sound of my happiness on the thoughts of my dream and what it signified to me.
The Signification: Ambition...or lack there of. Why don't I have it and why haven't I ever had it? So, people may think that since I went through school making good grades and went on to graduate from college that I have ambition right?...Nope. Not always. There's a difference between doing something because you're driven and doing something out of obligation. And, no college of course was not forced, but what else was I going to do? Join the military? Hecks no. Too lazy and too against The Man to have patriotism. Get a job? Hecks no. Did you read the lazy part? So, I went with the easiest choice. Yey, college!!! Trust me when I say that I'm glad that I went, but it still drives me nuts that I question the "why" and "what now" afterwards. So, yes, my future has been on my mind...a lot lately, which it should be because...really just because it's coming...fast...and I think this is why I had this dream. I don't want to go back to school, and I already knew that, but what do I want to do? It's like my brain tried to weigh out an option for me, so maybe tonight I'll be in Office Space hell bashing my head against a stapler. I just hope it leaves me with less anguish than this dream did.
Positivity: Man, this is a tough one...um..."Do yo job girl!" Maybe I can look at it as the final "I gotta get myself together." Like really it's past time to start planning and building for the future that I want, so I cant say that I'm really going to work on my stuff and after 5 minutes I go back to the master procrastinator that I am. "The buck stops here!" Lol, how about that for a little patriotism.
...Where is my junkie strength when I need it?!
I feel like gumption comes and goes in waves. They say procrastination happens when the task at hand is either overwhelming or not enjoyable... Only i dont feel this way bc all i do is make music.. which is not overwhelming and is most definantly extremely enjoyable. Maybe my prostination stems from lazyness as opposed to fear or apprehansion.
ReplyDeleteAt least you sit back and reflect on y it is ur doing this to urself. Motivation comes when it's something you love and procrastination comes when you don't know if the turn out is worth it/ and or will actually turn out. But when it is, u get ur motivation again. Sounds like you need to have a little more faith in yourself and start listening to yourself. Steve jobs said something along the lines of- listen to your intuition and heart cuz most of the time they already know what you want and what is best for you without u even knowing y. I love u chica. U can do this girl just gotta do it right. Once ur doing it t becomes habit and habits r hard to break right? Love u! This os dawn btw
ReplyDeleteman, i feel ya taco, i really appreciate that comment bc at first i was thinking that it is the overwhelming part, but i'm kinda leaning towards laziness right about now bc i know that i am super sadface, we just have to push ourselves more and more bc i know we are both awesome i just dont feel like showing it sometimes
ReplyDeletelmao!!! dawn i was like who the heck is this with all of this insight, but then i read "chica" n was like "oh" hehe i freakin love u dude n thanks very much for that. digging the comment very much
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